by Steven Carter

This book saved me from going crazy and from wasting any more of my precious time with a man who is a consumate commitmentphobic. I got this book after a therapist friend of mine said that all my complaining and moaning about my commitmentphobic boyfriend sounded just like the people in this book she'd read - "Men Who Can't Love". I got on line and nabbed a copy. What a life saver! My jaw dropped as I read this book because it describes the behaviors of commitmentphobics precisely as I have been experiencing my boyfriend's behavior. It's so true that the more I pressed him for answers while trying to understand his avoidant behaviors, the more he withdrew from me. "I don't wanna talk about it" is his mantra. All his behaviors were laid out like his biography in this book. It was shocking and revealing at the same time. I'm comforted to know that my situation is not an isolated incident of a relationship, but that commitmentphobia is a problem of many men, and that many women have been burned and deeply hurt by the phenomenon. I've always suspected that this was a relationship that was going nowhere and that I had to get out, but I kept hanging on to the tidbits of good times that became fewer and far between. It's been a push-me pull-you, distancer-pursuer relationship for two and half years. The more I invited him to parties or made plans for us to do things together, the more he found excuses not to be with me. After each period of non-contact, he'd come back, begging for my company. I felt perpetually conflicted about him and his inconsistent behavior. I described him to everyone as Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde. I felt like I was dating two different people. Now this book has confirmed for me that I HAVE to get out of the relationship, and that it is the right and only thing for me to do. Mr. Carter - thank you for this book! -this gift! I only wish that so many other men could be as introspective and self-evaluating as you have been to see the damage that commitmentphobia does to themselves and others.~P. Miller

Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

Book Description
This is the classic relationship book that started them all, now available in paperback. It informs women of the warning signs of commitmentphobia, and explains how to avoid heartbreak.

About the Author
Steven Carter and Julia Sokol are considered to be the leading authorities on the topic of commitment fear. They appear regularly on national talk shows such as Oprah and Sally Jesse Raphael. They have also appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, CNN, CNBC, and MSNBC. Carter and Sokol's work is featured in such magazines as Cosmopolitan, Glamour, New Woman, and Mademoiselle, and they periodically lecture and run workshops throughout the country. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

READER'S COMMENTS ON Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

This book is for every woman that wonders what she did wrong and wonders what happened to that guy that was so crazy about her last week then disappears never to be heard from again. Guess what? It ain't your fault. So many times I thought something had to be wrong with me or I did something wrong. As soon as I opened this book and started reading, multiple lightbulbs lit up over my head! The book is so accurate, you would believe that they had interviewed the guy that just dumped you. I got my order from Amazon on a saturday, by wednesday I had finished the book and started reading it again. I went from being heartbroken over a recent breakup to well on the way to being myself again. This book has the answers to almost everything you have ever asked yourself about why or what happened after being dumped.~Relnaynay

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

I had been with a man for 10 years (on-again, off-again), who without a doubt, was a textbook case, as noted in this book. It is a godsend. I kept thinking that it was me. That I was imagining all of the things he was doing, like disappearing in time for my birthday, or Christmas, or Valentine's Day. This book outlined the behavior of men like this to the letter. Ladies out there: It is not you! When you read this book you will see that this is indeed a serious emotional disorder that these men cannot change without years and years of therapy. In the case with my ex, he had been traumatized in childhood by his mother passing away early on and being molested by a female cousin at the age of 7. He went on to marry a woman and stay married for 10 years before she got out. To hear him tell it, she was the bad guy. I bought it for awhile, but now I know better. I met him shortly after their divorce. Outwardly, he was fine, shaky but fine. He was pleasant, funny and nice to be around. We had so many things in common. Spending time with him was wonderful, as we had so many of the same interests. I was totally in love with this man. And he said he was in love with me. But deep within, this was a very damaged individual. I made allowances for his shortcomings. He started smoking marijuana more often, but insisted it was nothing. And when he became emotionally abusive, and started sleeping with several other women behind my back, I knew it was time to move on. Cheating on me with other women was just one part of it. But that was the least, because I know that none of them would ever get anything more emotionally from him than I did. The book shows you that they do this to 'create distance' from you. They put out behavior that they know is so repugnant to you so that you will leave. Therefore, no commitment, see? The 'I Love You's' I got came from someone so damaged. He is out of my life forever now. Because I know that I cannot cure him. I stayed for a long time thinking that if I was just more kind and loving and patient that he would change. I know now that I was wrong. And exposing myself to this behavior was slowly killing me and diminishing me as a woman. Get this book today. For me, it gave me the strength to move on and also, it was as if someone turned the lights on in my world for the first time in a very long time. I thank the authors of this book. They are a blessing.~SuperReaderGirl

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

I don't normally spend the time to write a review after I've finished a book. This book, however, was very different. It helped me more than any other book has in the past. I picked it up on accident about 5 days after a very bad break-up and read it cover to cover in one night. Before reading this book, I was extremely confused about what had happend to my relationship. I was extremely depressed, wallowing in self pity, and blaming myself for everything I could have done differently to save my 2 year relationship. This book, and this book alone, literally turned everything around for me. It described, in hauntingly familiar detail, my entire relationship. It helped me understand what had happened to us and why it wasn't my fault. It helped me understand that it wasn't my body, my face, the way I dressed, or anything I did that made him reject me. It also helped me understand why he pushed me to the point where I was the one who had to break it off and be left with the guilt of doing so. Every woman should read this book so she's aware of this type of guy. If you're unfortunate like me and wait until the bitter end, it will still help you more than you could ever imagine. Well worth its price in gold.~EarthGirl

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

I find comfort and sadness in knowing that my relationship was not unique.

I was involved with a man who was much older than me and had different religious views. I was an obvious choice for a man with commitment phobia! I was not originally won over by him. Because of our differences, he had to purse me for a long time (about six years, on and off)before I entertained the idea of us really being a couple. In the last year of our relationship I FINALLY began to accept that this guy might actually love me and I was willing to make sacrifices to make it work. It seems like almost as soon as I decided this, he began backing away. I started finding emails and phone messages from other women. He hurt me and disappointed me time and time again. During the last month of our relationship, he decided he would go to counseling to find out why he was hurting someone he loved so much. (Completely his idea, by the way) I thought I finally had made a break through! He never really told me what he talked about in counseling, only that he decided that he was not going to hurt people anymore. Though it was over for a while, he officially ended it three weeks later. (And didn't go back to counseling) He said he loved me more than any other woman, but he wanted to date others in addition to me. HUH? Our relationship, as he described it, was simple and healthy. He said "I love you, but I can't do the things that love requires". He never blamed me. He said I was perfect. When this book said that "our perfection scares them", I knew I was reading a book about MY relationship.

The book was not a miracle for me. Perhaps it's because I read it VERY shortly after my break up. It didn't make my pain go away instantly, but it did help me understand that I wasn't alone and help me understand a little more about the man I fell in love with. And as a friend told me, the more time you spend reading the less time you spend crying.

Good luck to everyone in their search for happiness.~G.M.Girl

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

This book is nothing short of a blessing. It described in vivid and downright shocking detail every single stage from A-Z of the nightmare relationship I was in several years ago with a commitmentphobic. This relationship was the most hurtful and traumatizing event of my life. I now understand why I felt so confused, shocked, and in a state of dissolution. It was as if I was in a real life nightmare and all the things he said and did to me couldn't be real because he suddenly turned into a different person when he was no longer at his safe distance. I highly recommend this read for ANYONE who has loved and lost and been plagued with, "WHY did this happen!". This book will help you heal and run as fast as you can away from the destructive path of self blame. This book helps you see that the man you were once in love with was really a man burried with his own very deep psychological sickness. This was a man who needed long term psychological treatment and it had NOTHING to do with you!

I am now VERY happily married to someone other than the crazy man I described above (THANK GOD!). However, sometimes I battle with insecurities from the past relationship I had with the commitmentphobic described above. I do not feel that it is fair to my husband for me to bring this baggage into our relationship. Months ago I set out on a journey to bring realization and healing to what happened to me years ago and I have found resolution with this book. This book has made me a stronger more informed person!~Tishcia

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

This book DOES do an excellent job of painting a very accurate portrait of the commitment phobic man. The other reviews and ratings posted are really fair appraisals of the author's impressive efforts. The one single problem with this book (and many other 'people to avoid' type books in general) is the limitation of its scope - the reasons WHY so many men are commitment phobic are not explored in any great depth. This implies that male commitment phobia is solely a "male problem" and that women are only victims in this dilemma, which popular psychology indicates is not wholly the case. The idea that women simply have many expectations about love, relationships and marriage that are simply contrary to many of the primal instincts and motivations of men are never considered. This is just another book that identifies a specific "brand" of 'broken men' that women are to simply identify and avoid, but does not explore the seemingly untouchable dichotomy between men and women that makes maintaining a long term relationship so difficult for so many people. The title of the book makes a profound statement indeed "Men Who Can't Love". Although it does make sense for a woman seeking a fulfilling long term relationship to avoid such men, the statement does beg the ultimate question: "WHY Can't Men Love"? It is the opinion of the author of this review that these books can ultimately be held responsible for creating a generation of dating women that are merely looking at men as potentially damaged goods (and analyzing them exhaustively from day 1) instead of spending at least some time attempting to understand men instead of just analyzing, labeling and ultimately discarding them.

Although these sorts of books are offered as a panacea of valuable relationship information, if women chose to avoid ALL of the men as defined by ALL of the collective "men to avoid" movements, they may find themselves targeting less than 1% of the entire male population.

It is therefore no surprise to find so many "far from perfect women" who are forever seeking the "perfect male partner" and having little or no success to this end. It is unclear in the large scheme of things how these books will ultimately help to bring men and women closer together with such a heavy emphasize of only the differences between the sexes while not building on any of the complementary and often essential differences.

I would recommend the authors consider coming out with a series of books - and elect to expose the many thousands of facets of abnormal psychology that can affect a man and his attitude towards relationships. This way, women can attempt to avoid ALL forms of dysfunctional males - and not just the commitment phobic ones. ~Mark

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

I don't want to repeat what all the others have said, my relationship was the same as all these others. What I do want to talk about, which is covered in the book, are words and phrases which these guys use, often, if you really, really listen. I've had the added torture of having to work with my ex, so I couldn't even get away if I tried. I talk with him here and there, mostly about work stuff, and although it's still hard at times, I use it to listen very carefully to what he says about everything. He constantly uses the words trapped, space, freedom, crowded, etc., even when talking about something as benign as walking down the street or describing someone's apartment. Of course, looking back, one day early in our relationship he was pretending to make snow angels on the floor in one of the rooms in his "rented" house, while exclaiming how he loved that there was so much space, and he did have a lot of space. It wasn't the ordinary space that we would all love, this guy had a four-bedroom home for just himself, not even a fish. Anyway, just listen to the words they use on a daily basis and then run, do not walk, as fast as you can. His first marriage ended and he told me that on the honeymoon he knew he made a mistake. He was textbook.

p.s. This is serious stuff and you need to get out fast. Your life may really depend on it. Look at Laci Peterson, married to the ultimate CP. Read her mother's book, there were classic red flags all along with that guy.~May

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

I went out with a classic case commitmentphobe who sent me a letter out of no where (curtain call) because he "missed me so much" after not contacting me at all for years. After doing some catch-up on each other's lives I found out that he had an ex - girlfriend that he got pregnant and he insisted that she get an abortion. He acted like he was the noble gentleman by standing by her as she got the abortion...he of course broke up with her soon after. By the way this was a guy who was adamently against abortion before but now he cannot give you enough arguments and excuses why there is nothing wrong with it. He is now at a temporary job and after that plans to continue to do more traveling and temporary jobs. Our new found relationship has already cooled on his end in no time at all and now he is telling me that I can't even call him now because it is "just not a good time." Anyway ladies, stay away frm these creeps and buy this book if you have dated a guy like this. A guy who goes back and forth so many times that you are infuriated . A guy that cannot commit or say "I love you", A guy that loves you one second and is not even there the next. A guy that always seems to be involved with goodness knows how many women at once. A guy that will even KILL a precious inoocent life for his freedom, RUN!!!!!~masochistnomore

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

God, if it wasn't for this Book, i would have surely gone completely MAD & CRAZY wondering WHAT suddenly happened to the guy who day-in, day-out said 'i love you' to me. I would have surely kept 'cursing & torturing' myself, thinking that 'I' must have said or done something or must 'not' have said or done something that 'He' wanted me to...But THANK GOD, that after 10 months of extreme mental torture, turmoil, conflict & confusion -- i've finally come to know that it was more (if not all) 'HIS' wrong doing & NOT 'mine'.

I'm sure i had "faults & imperfections" too, but atleast i was "consistent & honest" in my love/feelings for him.

If it wasn't for this Book, i would have surely DIED of repeatedly analyzing/wondering -- What happened, Where did i go wrong, Why did he leave me so harshly just when things were starting to get really good, meaningful & real...

But Thank God for this 'very helpful' book, that i've now finally gotten over my pain, misery & confusion. And am finally ready to move-on in life, with no regrets.

So Dear 'Steven Carter', I Thank you for writing such a valuable/informative book bcoz it has prevented me from ruining the most 'precious years' of my life in the 'false name' of Love...Thank you so much. ~Scorpioz

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

A friend gave me this book after I had two men drop me, for no particular reason, after wooing me to the moon and back. Fortunately for me I sensed something was wrong and didn't get in too deep with these guys, but one was still a minor zinger.

This book describes in nearly exact detail what a commitmentphobic man acts like. And let me tell you, it was text book behavior both of these men displayed. I titled this review "YOU Did Nothing Wrong" because I am sure most of the women that have been involved with a commitmentphobic man thought they were to blame instead of the man. WRONG!!!!!

I knew I didn't do anything wrong and wrote these dudes off as (&*!#^@$$^%@%^) - you fill in the blank! Then I read this amazing book and was like - WOW - that is EXACTLY how these two men behaved. Nearly step by step!

If you have ever been dumped, or have had a disappearing act pulled on you (or a good friend) by a guy that chased you, wined you, dined you, and told you that YOU AND YOU ONLY were the one he had been waiting for FOREVER, READ THIS BOOK! If nothing else it will probably make you feel better about yourself because YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!~Queen of Rags

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

There isnt' much that I can add. All the reviews said it all. Unfortunately, too many women get their hands on this book after the fact-- after they have met and already been heart-broken by the classic commitmentphobic man. I agree, that there are fears in many woman that attract this type of man.. and keep them around. However, it's reassuring to know that it wasn't your fault-- ladies (or men. I think the principles/ symptoms could be applied for either sex). IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THIS BOOK YET, DON'T DELAY!! You will be forever greatful that you purchased it, read it, and most importantly APPLIED the suggestions therein. MMV- I applaud you. You deserve the oscar for classic commitmentphobic behavior!! That is why I say your face shouldha been on the cover!!~A Reader

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

This is one of the best books I have ever read on any topic. I was in a perfect relationship and was expecting a proposal over the holidays. I did not get a ring but what I did get was an "I'm afraid of the C-word" story. I felt like someone had pulled the rug right out from under my feet. He simply disappeared. This book was tremendous not only for my healing but for explaining the male personality disorder that causes this behavior because it is impossible to figure it out for yourself. The funny thing is: This book is so ON TARGET...it said these men will try to come back into your life after their fears have subsided. They will romance you all over again and disappear again only the second time the cycle will be faster. GUESS WHO CALLED TODAY! If I didn't have this book, I might have fallen for it all over again! Thank You!!~A Reader

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

Thanks to everyone who has written testimonials on this site. Just as in the book, the sheer quantity and consistent message of each of these notes is very helpful when you are in the throes of one of these relationships. All three of my long-term relationships have been with men who were afraid to love and afraid of commitment (3 yrs, 2yrs, 8 months). You might say I am now officially an expert - who got smarter each time! One of the men has been married quite a long time now and I feel sorry for his wife, because I know this doesn't magically disappear.

What no one has mentioned so far is how incredibly selfish this behavior is and how incredibly programmed many women are to put the needs of their man ahead of their own. Most of these men must be in total control of every aspect of their relationships to feel okay. And as the person who was being controlled, I can tell you that I played a major part in allowing it to happen. Taking ownership of your participation is a good first step in moving on.

When you look honestly at the past you may find that what you thought was intense and sometimes wonderful couldn't even be called a relationship. If one of the people spends most of their time trying not to feel anything, then the other person lives in constant fear that any day the whole thing could disappear. What kind of a life is that?

One of the saddest outcomes of going out with men like this is that you can never get to real relationship issues because you aren't dealing with fully grown-up people. So I feel like I have never really learned "the good stuff" that would help me in a mature relationship.

We should feel sorry for these men and move on. What a sad way to lead your life - to walk through it and never learn the really beautiful lessons of a real relationship and never know genuine love. It takes courage to break the cycle - here's to all the courageous women who have posted on this site. Good luck to you all in finding a mature man and a relationship that allows you to grow.~A Reader

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

Wow! 4 years!! A roller-coaster ride of break-ups and make-ups every few months. What a waste of time. This book mirrors the actions and the torment that a woman in love with one of these men incapable of love can endure. I thought it was my fault. I did everything and anything in my power to change. Oh, I thought, if I could just be this or be that or not be this or not be that........... This book confirmed that I was fighting a "losing battle". The hardest part was that he gave me an engagement ring after four years, but wouldn't even talk about any wedding plans. He insisted that we call all our family and friends that very next day (Christmas Day) and announce our engagement. He acted like he was so proud. Then, three months later, he dumped me. Of course, it was my fault. After three more times of getting back together (his idea), I dumped him, only to have him give me one last "curtain call", but it was just a "joke". This book is a MUST for anyone in this type of insane relationship where everything could/should be perfect, but it can't because, short of a miracle, he's NOT going to change! Get out, get out, get out, before you waste any more precious time.~A Reader

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

I bought this book because I was in a relationship where he was constantly verbally abusing me. Initially things were great! He charmed me, wined & dined me and complimented me. He made me feel great when I was around him. After about a month into the relationship, he started to change. He became verbally abusive, always attacking my character, my personality, my taste in music, clothes, sunglasses you name it! Things were always back & forth between good & heartbreaking.

I then made the mistake of telling him I loved him. It was over THAT NIGHT. We had been together 4 months and for some reason I thought if I told him how I felt, he would be honest with his feelings. It seemed the closer we got, the more he treated me badly. It made no sense. Once he broke up with me, he came back JUST like the book describes. I was heartbroken for a week, couldn't eat, wanted to sleep all of the time. When I didn't contact him, he was RIGHT there! This book helped me to understand that all of this up and down wasn't about me or how I behaved, how much money I make, what kind of car I drive, the mole on my side, my "ugly" sunglasses, my parenting skills or the job I have....it was about HIM not wanting to commit and then purposely looking for things to convince himself that I wasn't for him.

If what I described sounds like a relationship you're in, you NEED this book. It helped me "break free" from his hold he had on me and regain my self esteem. I was a very confident person before I got together with him. My confidence rattled him & he felt the need to tear it down. I believe I am too "wifey" and it scared him. This book showed me this. You wont regret buying it & you'll keep it & lend it to your girlfriends!~Shae

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

After a particularly rough break-up with a man who fit the commitment-phobic description perfectly, I read this book. Besides simply describing a problem, the book takes a pro-active, empowering approach to help women avoid problems in the future and manage problems existing in current relationships. If I'd read this three years ago, I would have avoided a lot of heartache and a lot of tears. Better late than never.~A Reader

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

I've read literally stacks of books trying to understand the behavior of men. This is it kids!! I wish I would have found this book at 16. It is straightforward, concise, and realistic. It is basically my refrence manual. Whenever I meet one of these guys, I review the most important chapters to remind myself that this will be the same ride unless I bail out. It gives you specific things to watch for and avoid. The only thing it is missing is my ex-boyfriend's picture on the cover. The description was uncanny. Stop crying, start reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!~A Reader

RE: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

After getting out of a recent relationship with a commitphobic man, I came across this book, and it gave me the answers to everything that went wrong in our relationship. Carter and Sokol are perfectly blunt about the commitphobic personality, and they provide great insight as to the behaviorial patterns, personality flaws and psychological confusions the commitphobic man carries with them. This book was better than an entire year of therapy, and much cheaper. Plus, it kept me from going back to a commitphobic man.~Amilicious

Read more or order your copy of
"Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart" today!

You may also be interested in Dream Chasers: The CP Addiction - A Woman's Guide to Loving (and Leaving) a Commitment Phobic Man! Instant access :)

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